The first introduction is the hardest. She is the most destructive one, to me, to them, to the people that wander in and out of my life.
Unlike the others, she doesn’t have physical form, with fingertips and toes. She embodies the shadows and creeps behind the others. Whispering, each word hitting a little too close for comfort. Her voice is so soft and soothing, you almost welcome it, until you register the backhanded compliments that target your insecurities. Blending reality into her stories, altering your perception; because you can see it too, you know she speaks some truth.
“…everyone is out for themselves… …you weren’t worth the effort… …you are just like every one else, nothing special…. …forever alone…. ….you are the problem, the common denominator… .. you are so basic…” or her favorite, “I was right.”
Sometimes the others try and speak up, and comfort me. But she whispers to them too, until we all just are sitting in the same room, shadows being cast behind our eyes. She wants us there with her, especially me. I deserve it, I should have listened.
She lives in my throat, in my chest, in my gut, in my head. Right behind my ear she loves to get comfortable; collecting audio from my world, putting together her next cannon fodder to shoot over us, me. “See what I mean? Why did you believe them, when you know I am always right…”
The others have mixed feelings about her, one feels her sympathy for her, but that is because she is naive, the bleeding heart of us all. But she keeps trying to reach out, hoping this time she will change her ways, maybe even learn a few ways to be positive. But that velvety voice is then directed at her, keeping her in a trance, hooked on every word, and you watch helpless as she crumbles bit by bit.
Another is jealous of the strength she possesses, and diligently takes mental notes on how to improve herself. But her skin is so thin; she feels transparent, that everyone can see these scars with their judging eyes.
She means well. She is just trying to make you understand that world is not all sunshine and rainbows. Cause who do you turn to when you are scared, you don her cloak around you like sheep in wolf’s fur, deflecting all the bullets and arrows that the world hurdles at you. “See?” she whispers, “I was right.” Even though her words, dripping with tar are usually aimed at you, she leaves her most viciousness for those you encounter out there. She won’t let them hurt you. Fuck them, the general public is something we both detest so much, she helps me see how evil people can be, how to protect myself from them. I just wish she would show me how to protect myself from her sometimes.
Life is not all pastels and rainbows, she knows this, she sees the shadows and the darkened corners, yet she finds things to laugh at all the time. Granted, most people would turn green from her sense of humor, or get mad because its directed at them instead.
For now, she lives in me, and among the others, filling in the cracks of my sanity.
My Personalities 